Five Steps to an Unexpected Yes
sisterhood
Photo by Becca Tapert via Unsplash
Sisters and sisterhood. There’s no one way to do it. My relationships with my sisters are distinct and distinctly different. Over the years, we’ve gone in and out of being close, asynchronously. Thankfully, now, we value each other in new and deeper ways, even though understanding or appreciating each other hasn’t always been easy.
My sisters and I live many states apart. Literally, and sometimes metaphorically if I’m being honest. Between varying schedules and time zones, staying in touch takes some strategy and even more determination. It’s easier to connect in pairs, than as a trio. Up until now, we’d managed a couple of instances of Sisters’ Time with all of us. It’s a rare event that takes place in tandem with whatever holiday is bringing everyone’s families together. Often, it’s an impromptu conversation in a corner. A Sisters’ Getaway, however, has been a lofty, elusive ambition. Why it never came together on the previous occasions it was suggested could be attributed to work, kids, holidays, budget considerations, and limited days off… the reasons have rotated over the years. Many times, I’ve wondered, “Will this ever happen??” I longed for it, for all of us.
Have you noticed that sometimes things look just like that—like they will never happen, they will never come together? The pieces involved are just too far apart.
Miraculously, though, we have scheduled our first overnight Sisters’ Getaway for later this summer. Talk about surprises. This has been decades-in-the-making and I didn’t see it coming.
The big question of course, is, “How?” How did something that seemed simple, yet impossible for so long, finally go from, “No” to “See you in August!”?
For 30+ years, we’d all been working around individual constraints and priorities that took precedence above our spending dedicated time together, apart from holidays and the milestone family events. Year after year, one or more of us couldn’t swing a way for the three of three us to go somewhere together. While these choices may have felt or even been necessary at the time, the result has been that what we really know of each other as women amounts to what has been our somewhat limited scope of experiencing each other as individuals.
When I asked myself, “How were we able to make plans this time?” I realized that it came down to a collective effort. We each had to move beyond limitations we’d each had, to meet at a place where we could be together. Everyone flexed some and in doing so, we lowered our “barrier to entry” to accomplishing our mission.
Our success came down to identifying our goal clearly (spend quality time together as sisters) and taking five steps, throughout which we communicated closely.
Reimagine where you need to be when. All three of us run organizations of some kind, so there is never a time when you are completely in the clear of work obligations, but we all committed to the idea that being “on call” no longer has to mean being “in town.” We let go of holding out for a time when we could step away completely and decided to find something that allowed us to be reachable if truly necessary.
ID the sweet spot. We picked a window length (3-4 nights) and general distance on which we could all agree, whether it also included some travel to get to the destination.
Commit the committable time up front. We aligned on a date range that could be managed for all of us, with notice. Since at least two of us would need to travel by air and therefore needed to clear more time, the other person was more flexible about date ranges. Any viable itinerary within in the greenlit range was pre-vetted as a likely “yes.”
Be guided by the top priority. This step, in my opinion, brought all those proverbial pieces closer together and made the rest flow into place. One of us suggested a type of trip and destination that are a favorite of another. While taking this kind of trip had been less interesting to the other two previously, the realization that the top priority was in being together made this trip become an easy choice. It also gave us an advantage, because the one who loves this type of trip was able to dive into the planning with her vast experience. Now we are all excited about it!
Give and take makes for easy decisions. When one of us found a trip within our date range, we were all flexible about the details (type of package, accommodations, perks) and were quick to respond. At first, we thought we’d have separate sleeping spaces for some privacy, but sticking to that condition would have rendered the trip we had agreed on impossible. Instead, we addressed the need for everyone to feel like they had space and agreed on everyone having the freedom to take time for herself as she wished throughout the trip, knowing that we’d be sharing all kinds of adventures and come nighttime, we’d all be sharing space. Understanding each other’s needs and aligning on expectations removed the obstacles, making it easy to finalize plans. Whew!
Almost 40 years is a long time to go from an idea to actual plans. I have no idea what it will be like to share a room (and hopefully lots of stories and laughter) with both my sisters at once. The last time we did anything like this… well, none of us was old enough to vote and our parents were sharing the same room as the three of us. So this summer brings new territory, and a new chapter.
There are sisters by blood and sisters by choice. There is something about sisterhood, in all its forms (and I’m sure the same can be said of the myriad forms of familyhood). It is real and yet it defies description or prediction. I love that we keep surprising ourselves and each other. Who’s to say what’s ahead? All I know is I’m looking forward to getting to know my sisters in another light and having new adventures together.